i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
