I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
