Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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