do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
