I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
