remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
