upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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