somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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