So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
