she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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