I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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