i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i permit you to call me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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