it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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