Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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