theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
