I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
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How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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