My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
