i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
