How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
