You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
