I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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