I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
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He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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