I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
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How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
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