We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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