things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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