when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm bleeding and have questions
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
