he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
smell my finger.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
