i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
