I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
