Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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