I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
