My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
