i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
