Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
