i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I am mentally ready for anal.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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