I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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