There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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