Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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