you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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