do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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