i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just invented taco cereal.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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