Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
