hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
