I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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