i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
