did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
