In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
