Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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