____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
