Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I need to sanitize my soul.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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