New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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