If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
