i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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