Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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