i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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