i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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