I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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