I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
