my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
