You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
