yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
