So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
